I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
where are my eyebrows?
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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