I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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