the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Randomize
