You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
i dont even know how to be here
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
