So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Randomize
