you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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