So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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