ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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