Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Those nachos came to me in a dream
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
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