I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
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He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
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Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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