Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
