I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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