so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
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