dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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