You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
