theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Sext me about skeletons
did i just pee glitter
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
