well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
