True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
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I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
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I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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