i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
