Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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