omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
