im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
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