Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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