I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
