I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
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