Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
if only i could text you this smell
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
