Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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