i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
