nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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