seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
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