I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
