It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
