i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
