when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
