There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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