so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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