I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
