So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
