Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
