wanna go halves on a baby?
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
