Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
