so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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