these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
