For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
