if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
