I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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