We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.