I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
27 Freshmen Who Really Didn’t Know What They Were Getting In To
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.