He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.