yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
