I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Randomize
