I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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