You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I am naked and annoyed.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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