Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
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