yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Drunk is not a location!
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
