after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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