my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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