these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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