i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
