I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
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I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
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You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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